Laziness

Hola,

I thought I was lazy, but the reality is that I was exhausted and unmotivated.

Consuming tons of information trying to find something to changes the way I was managing my life was draining me.
Still, I thought I needed it.

I was officially an old couch potato lady and I could feel the side effects of that on my health. Nonetheless, I was determined to find my purpose on that mountain of information and finally live doing that something I had been supposed being created for even if I had to expend the rest of my life looking for it.

Now, was this behavior a sign of depression? Who knows!

I refused to keep going to doctors feeling tired of feeling sick. Therefore, I thought what if I have a problem? At the end of the day, it is on me to fix it.
I didn’t want to end up with boxes of medications, probably I would be unable to function with them anyway.
I was just tired!

I do respect health practitioners, in fact, I am grateful to count on them, but to be honest, talking about mental health, I have received the best guidance or support from friends, support groups, coaching sessions, and relatives than from formal practitioners.
It is bad for me to say, but it is my reality.
It could be the fact that human connection plays an important role. With this community, I don’t feel I am a number but that I am an individual, I feel appreciated and I trust that feeling.
I am curious about the fact that I’ve found more support on close ones, regardless of their professional backgrounds than on formal therapies. I think the common factor here is that they genuinely care about me, and because of that simple difference I was able to find the answers inside of me because at the end of the day I am the one with the perfect solution to my problems. All that needed was someone that empathetically pointed them out for me to see.

Abrazos!

Quarantine 2020

IMG_20200329_114811_edit2Hola!

It has been 20 days since I experienced a headache that forces me to suspend on Thursday near the end of my work week, so I decided to call for Friday off as well and take advantage of the four days to rest. A day later this headache transformed into a pain in my throat and ears which lasted three days and I thought: well I finally got the flu that was passing by from one of my coworkers to another in the past few weeks.

On Monday I was experiencing fever and other flu-like symptoms, the reason why I decided to call a Doctor to be safe and get a diagnosis. When I call to make an appointment was shocking because the secretary went of control as soon as I told her I wanted to see a Doctor and that I was sick, don’t come to the clinic! To what I react angrily answering What do you mean, I need to see a Doctor! She calmed down and realized that her response was irrational, and I also realized that we were dealing with a situation that was new for everyone.

A couple of hours later, after giving all my information and telling my story twice I got a call back from the Doctor on duty who asked me what was wrong.

Well, I started to feel a strange headache on Thursday, so strong that made me feel nauseated, then I experienced a sore throat and earache, and today I am feeling general flu symptoms including fever

Doctor: Have you been out of the country in the past two weeks or in contact with someone infected with Coronavirus?

My answer was no to those questions, but I do work in a pharmacy and a few of my coworkers were sick with flu symptoms the past few weeks, all of them said that it was NOT Coronavirus, but only one of them mentioned that did the test and the result was negative.

No, Doctor, I haven’t been out of the country or in contact with a case of Coronavirus, but I work in a pharmacy and the days previous to my symptoms a few patients came asking for masks and hand sanitizer, some of them coming back from overseas, some of them going abroad, it is hard to say

Doctor: you are doing the right thing isolating yourself and calling to get directions, stay home for a couple of days and if the symptoms continue or worsen call me back

Two days past by and my sore throat became a dry cough, then productive cough and fever that didn’t go away unless I had a Tylenol in my system, I did call back and the doctor told me after assessing my situation to continue taking Tylenol as needed, keeping the isolation and if the situation worsened or I feel shortness of breath to call 911.

Twelve days later after having the most miserable days of my life, I was minimizing the news to avoid experiencing a panic attack with all the fatalities and increases of cases around.

Then I felt a lack of breath.

I talked to myself: don’t panic, this is going to be ok, just call the Doctor you have been talking to and follow whatever instructions are given.

To my luck, the Doctor’s office did not answer so my hard started to speed up, I open the front door to get some air and saw this pamphlet about Coronavirus community help with a contact number, I called to find a volunteer that did not have an idea of what to say… f@#%k! I tried to calm myself down because I knew I was very closed to have a panic attack and I was by myself, my children were forty minutes and over one hour away, and I could not drive anyway in this condition.

Still hesitating, I called 911.

During those twelve days, my sister and friends gave me a handful of advice, from phone numbers to call emergency line -which, by the way, I could not get through in three consecutive days calling- to Government emergency funds to cover my expenses since my workplace doesn’t have sick days program of any kind of insurance, etc.

So, 911 responded – Thank God for these people – and was distressed pretending to be under control. I am sorry to call you, I didn’t want to bother you, I didn’t want to use the system, I know there are people in worst conditions, but the Doctor’s office didn’t answer, the emergency lines are forever busy, and I found this community line that has no idea what they are doing... I got interrupted by this serene voice, it is okay to call us, what is your name? and what is your address? The ambulance is on its way, now tell me what happened and how are you feeling.

The person over the phone stayed with me for a few minutes until I calmed down, then say that she will leave me, but if I feel I needed to talk to them before the ambulance come by I should call right away, I took advantage of this time’s window to call my children to inform them what was happening, then I hear the ambulance and when I open the door my son was out as well.

The paramedics advise him to stay outside and that they will inform him of my condition due to the present situation it was better to stay away. It was hard for me not to hug and kiss my child having him a few meters away, but it is what it is.

They came inside the house and check my blood pressure, my temperature, did auscultation of my lungs and heart, also measure my oxygen saturation, which was the result I was looking for to feel at ease.

My blood pressure was in the normal range for my age, a little high for my regular range, my heart rate was fast, but this was all part of the commotion, my oxygen saturation 95 mmHg a normal range, the temperature was 38.5 ° C and I had pain from coughing all these days. Other than that, I was not in critical condition and the only reason to go to the hospital was the fact that the paramedics did not have a kit to perform the COVID-19 test. Therefore, I saw counterproductive to expose myself to endless hours in the hospital, having been sick and weak for almost two weeks.

In these eight days after the paramedics left the house, one day I felt better and the other day I felt the same way, and the pain of the cough increased at some point so much that it made me cry when every time I coughed.

Right now I am dealing with unemployment asking me for a Doctor’s note and the COVID-19 test that I never took, the truth is I do not know what will happen, I still feel sick but not sick enough to return to my original brain numbness.

image (1)Please stay safe, stay home and keep your social distance, I can tell you, whatever I have, it is not fun.

 

 

Abrazos!

 

#satyhome #quarantine #life #health #finances #COVID-19 #my2020 #womanoverfifty #women #spring2020 #family

On writing

The joy that writing has brought me has been healing. I have been able to feel a rainbow of emotions that have allowed me to cleanse my soul.

Like many of you, I have written in my diaries here and there since I was a child. Sometimes I was inspired enough to put together a poem, even filled some notebooks. Other times I would have written just a few words and fill in the blanks with drawings.

I remember spending hours fantasizing about what I had read and writing my own stories. When I was a child, my father uses to read me fables, mostly from our Venezuelan natives, but also from around the world. My favorites were the fables from the Venezuelan editorial Ekare and those from the Danish author Hans Christian AndersenRelated image

Image result for fables from ekare

Just now writing about these memories has drawn a big smile on my face! I also remember when my brother and I used to create our own comic books. We even had our own editorial house, those times when we considered ourselves professionals in all our affairs!

The walls in our home entrance were plaster with books, giving me the impression of arriving at a magic place every time I came back from school.

The walls at the entrance of our house were covered with books, which use to give me the impression of arriving at a magical place every time I returned from school.

I also used to use the space to lie alone on the floor every time I got upset looking at the books and waiting for them to talk to me.

That space was full of surprises to discover, such as when I managed to sneak into the forbidden books, or when I found the first cigarette I ever smoked, in a box left by one of my father’s colleagues. I found them on the high shelf where my father tried to hide Marlboro’s box that I would never forget.

Being around books became a big part of my childhood, there was always a reminder, either because my dad used to leave the dining room table full of disorganized books, magazines and newspapers, or just hearing my mom’s voice telling dad

Victor, why do you always have to leave a mess? continuing with her deceiving threaten

I will throw all your books!

My parents used writing as a way to express themselves, my mother wrote about her emotions or when I wanted to tell my father something that was not easy for her, I wrote her a note. My father always wrote for academic purposes.

Abrazos!

 

P.S. Here is my memory of that Marlboro’s box, so you can see the reason why I never forgot it 🙂Image result for marlboro man

 

My journey to begin the fifties

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Hola Chicas,
I have been having fun recording and writing experiences about how it feels to be fifty years old.
This idea occurred to me before I turned 50.
The months after my birthday passed between joys, dislikes, sorrows, illnesses (mostly hypochondriac), successes and failures (many of them to be honest), and of course always accompanied by waves of inhuman heat, followed by sub-zero moments.
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Now, a couple of weeks to finish this chimeric and at the same time authentic “junior year” of training, I am ready to begin to live my “senior fifties” fully.
Abrazos!

 

Our time to harvest!

IMG_0775Hello darling,

If you missed me, here is the reason for my absence …
I am working on a project that I had been thinking about for a while, so now I have the confidence to fulfill it, and I would love for you to accompany me along the way with your stories, and feedback. I can assure you that you will enjoy this concept of the second adult age as much as I am enjoying myself.
I learned a lot in my “first adulthood” and it is time to put this learning into practice, to recover my curiosity about things that surround me, to investigate what I want to investigate, to read and write what I please, don’t you think?. This is the moment where I am a little girl again, only now I am inside a woman’s body with 50 years of experience.
Less “responsibilities” and more adventures.
Then, tell me if you do not feel like freeing yourself from the norms of society in this period of your life and being yourself.

 

Hugs!

Two important seasons 

In Toronto Summer season is a big deal, people start to get ready physically and emotionally to embrace the warmth of the city. and even counting how many sunny weekends we would have. This is an interesting behavior, at least to me who spend most of my life over 30 degrees “Celsius” ha!

It was 2005  the year I experienced my first four-season weather. By the moment Winter appeared I wasn’t ready nonetheless I enjoyed the magic of Winter, and remember been happy of experiencing the beauty of the snowflakes dropping down refreshing my face. Also getting cozy with my family and close friends to admire the whiteness of the landscapes while away from the cold, drinking hot cocoa or tea. Those were new rituals I learned and loved.

When summer came I could see another city, the streets were looking different, to the point that I was feeling lost. Who could have known what would you found under that mountain of snow, anyway.

One thing that was very notable to me, was the attitude of the locals, they became friendly and approachable, all of a sudden they had time for quick chitchat on the streets, their facial expressions were different, more like the faces I was used to. I started to received an invitation to BBQs, picnics, movies, public events. It felt like I had moved to another country altogether, not only the city changed in front of my eyes, but the same people I was encountering earlier in winter were acting different.

Still now 14 years later I found Winter and Summer the two special seasons that taught me to appreciate their beauty, and at the time understand that Life is also seasonal, therefore embrace all the changes coming.

Hugs!

Self Image

broken-eye-reflection-2282000

How many time do I have to tell myself that I am good enough?

Lately, I’ve tried many different ways to cheer myself up, but there’s definitely nothing I’ve found so far, to replace the warm connection between childhood friends, friends from school, and high school.

Lately, I’ve been searching online to connect with them, I’ve spent entire hours online looking for those with whom I lost the tract over the years, but who still live in my mind, those with whom I connect through social networks. I have also spent time thinking about those who are no longer present in this plane, have left without sharing the last 15 or 20 years that I have been away. I have met incredible people throughout these years, but I still have the desire to reconnect with those with whom I was simply me.

Perhaps, I’m just missing myself …

 

Hugs!